How to Break Up
with Someone

Knowing how to break up with someone is really important - do it in the right way and you'll allow both yourself and them to move on with your lives in a healthy way.

You might not end up as best friends (but maybe you will) but at least you've given both of you a chance for a fresh start.

At this stage you've probably been doing a lot of thinking and you're almost certainly having a mix of emotions.

The most common feelings for the person who is about to end a relationship to be experiencing are:

- Unhappiness about the state of the relationship
- Guilt about how the other person will feel
- Worry about how they'll react
- Fear about the future
- Uncertainty that they're doing the right thing
- Hope that their partner will end the relationship first so that they don't have to.

To help you through these emotions we'll take you through the five main things you need to know about ending a relationship:

- When To End a Relationship
- Where To Break Up
- What to Say
- How to deal with Their Reaction
- What to Do After the Break Up

How To Break Up - When To End a Relationship

Being uncertain about if you should finish a relationship is a really exhausting stage to be at.

All relationships will have ups and downs and knowing when you're just going through a down patch that you need to work through and when things aren't able to be resolved isn't always easy.

This is a good time to see a counsellor, especially if you've been involved in a long-term relationship.

Talking to someone who is completely non-judgmental will really help you to sort out what's the right thing for you to do…as well as helping you deal with your feelings...so that you don't have any regrets later about either staying in the relationship or ending it.

Friends are great to talk to but they're often emotionally involved with you...and most friends just end up telling you what they think you want to hear!

Some people find it really helpful to involve their partner in the counselling sessions. Suggesting counselling is a very gentle way of letting your partner know that you're unhappy.

Often he or she knows deep down that something is wrong and being able to talk openly and honestly with each other can help to resolve the situation...for some people that's going to mean the relationship continues. For others it will mean the relationship ends.

The good thing about both of you seeing a counsellor is that even if the relationship does end, it'll end in the best way that it possibly can.

If you decide that counselling isn't right for you that's fine too. The important thing to remember when you're trying to make a decision is that you should never stay in a relationship if it doesn't feel right for you. If you're just staying because you don't want to hurt the other person or you're scared of being alone, then you're not staying for the right reasons.

It’s important to remember that your feelings are just as important as the feelings of your partner...and they WILL be okay. They might be hurt for a while but you finishing things between you gives them the chance to find the right person for them...and means that you're able to find the right person for you.

Many people also delay breaking up because they feel that it isn’t the ‘right time’ – they tell themselves they’ll do it once everything in their lives is ‘normal’ and settled. It’s great to be sensitive and there are situations, like a recent bereavement, where it really isn’t the right time to break up with someone.

But generally speaking, there is never going to be an ideal time to tell someone that a relationship is over…once one situation is sorted out, another one will probably come along. And delaying things is just going to make you unhappy for longer.

How To Break Up – Where to Break Up

Deciding where you’re going to break up is really important.

Breaking up by letter, text or through a phone call might be very tempting because you’re not having to face your partner…but, honestly, breaking up face-to-face is the most respectful way of treating him or her.

And being disrespectful to your partner is not how to break up.

Try and find somewhere private where the two of you can talk, a place where you won’t be interrupted. If you tell them somewhere public it’s going to be difficult for the two of you to deal with the situation in an honest way…without making an embarrassing scene.

How To Break Up - What To Say

Now you've made the decision to break up, its time for you to be brave. No one likes to break bad news or cause pain to another person...so breaking up with someone is really tough.

Before you talk to your partner, try and think about what you're going to say. The first thing they're going to want to know is why you want to break up with them. So you need to be very clear in yourself what your reasons are. Writing it down first can be helpful.

Try and be honest because they deserve to hear the truth. By telling them the real reasons for the relationship ending you're respecting all that you've experienced between you...and you're allowing him or her the chance to understand what went wrong so that they're able to move on. So if, for example, you've found someone else, then you need to tell them this.

This might not be easy for you to say and for them to hear but it's really important. Honesty is vital for knowing how to break up.

Try and be gentle with the words you use because there's a balance between truth and causing unnecessary pain.

How To Break Up - Dealing with Their Reaction

Okay, once you've actually broken the news your (now ex) partner is definitely going to react in some way. This is going to range from silence through to crying, shouting, begging and throwing things.

You might be one of the lucky few whose partner says 'oh that's great then, let's just be friends' but it's a lot more common for him or her to be feeling emotions of shock, anger, betrayal, confusion and grief at this time.

Knowing how to break up involves trying to prepare yourself for this - the best way to do this is by accepting that most human beings react in an extremely emotional way when they're faced with something they find painful. Understand that they might not want the relationship to be ending. And try and stay calm.

Honestly, being calm is the best way forward. If you get sucked into reacting to their pain then the situation is going to be worse for both of you. Let him or her react in the way they need to…and remember that this is just a normal part of the breaking up process.

Seeing how upset they are might make you feel upset too. At this time it’s very easy to give in, change your mind and start the relationship all over again. He or she might promise things will change. If carrying on with the relationship feels right for you, then that’s fine.

But if you’re sure it’s over and you’d only be changing your mind to make things easier for both of you in the short-term, then try and stay firm even if it’s difficult. In the long-term it’s just going to prolong the pain for both of you.

After their initial reaction he or she might want to talk to you, ask you questions and really try and understand what’s going on. Try and give them this time…this might happen straightaway, it could be over a period of a few hours or days or even weeks. Most break ups aren’t a five minute thing.

How To Break Up – After the Break Up

Once you’ve broken up with your partner you’ll probably be feeling a mixture of relief, happiness, guilt, regret, optimism and fear.

This is really normal – and it will feel strange not to be with someone you’ve shared a lot of experiences with.

How much you see your ex after the break up is going to depend on the two of you…some people prefer to have a completely clean break while others can stay really good friends.

The really important thing to remember if you stay friends is that it’s not helpful for you to take on the role of counselling your ex through the break up. You’ll be way too emotionally involved in the situation and that’s not healthy for either of you. Try and encourage your ex to talk to other friends or a counsellor to see them through this period.

And try not to give your ex false hope that the two of you will get back together...that's definitely not how to break up. He or she might consciously or unconsciously be trying to re-start the relationship with you. If that’s what you want, then again that’s fine.

But if it’s not what you want, try and be careful of the signals you give off to them. Being clear about your feelings and intentions and staying firm about your decision really is the kindest thing in the long run.

As the Abba song says ‘breaking up is never easy’ but knowing how to break up will hopefully make things easier for the two of you.

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