Why Love Hurts Sometimes…
And What To Do About It

Most of us have had an experience of when love hurts at some point in our lives. Love is a very intense emotion and opening up to the feelings that come with it can sometimes be overwhelming.

Falling in love is a risk we take with our hearts…but if we don't risk the pain, then we'll never feel how amazing love is.

The painful side to love is the theme of many songs and romantic movies. Just think of the lyrics to Beyonce’s ‘Irreplaceable’ and the movie 'The English Patient', for example.

And poets, writers and philosophers all explore the 'love hurts' theme...there are plenty of sad love quotes and sad love poems throughout history that show that problems with love are not a new thing.

The most obvious cause of love being painful is unrequited love , where one person's love for another person isn't returned.

But there are also many other reasons why you might feel that love hurts sometimes – some are big reasons and some are small reasons.

Other people are against you being in love

This could include parents, children, exes, friends, current partners. Just think of Romeo and Juliet and all the suffering they endured because their families were against their love.

Okay, so for most of us the situation isn't going to be quite so dramatic. But a lot of stress and unpleasantness can be created when other people don't approve of your choice of partner.

If you find yourself in this situation, try and stay focused on your loved one and the love that you share. The saying 'the course of true love never did run smooth' would really apply to the two of you here!

Present a united and determined front to any opposition…and try not to let it create problems between the two of you. After all, you're in it together and you really don't want to let it spoil things for you.

And hopefully with a combination of time and your determination things will become easier.

There's been cheating in the relationship

If you love someone and they cheat on you it's very, very painful…whatever explanations they come up with for why they cheated.

You'll probably feel confused, betrayed, angry and completely heart broken…and it may take a long time for you to overcome the feeling that love hurts.

Once you've got over the initial shock, you'll have a choice to make – to stay with your loved one or to leave him or her.

This is probably going to be a difficult decision and and it might help you to see some sort of counsellor or therapist. In the USA, a list of counsellors can be found through The American Pyschological Association. In the UK, the BACP is a helpful organisation.

You've broken up with your partner

It is very, very normal to feel great pain after a break up. Most people feel a sense of loss, grief and sadness when they split up from someone they love – whether they were the person who decided on the split or not.

Getting over a romantic break up takes a very long time. And, again, seeing a counsellor might be helpful so that you are able to heal the feeling that love hurts. Then you'll be able to fully move on and find love elsewhere in the future.

You and your partner have an argument

In any loving relationship there are going to be arguments and disagreements because the two of you are different people with different personalities.

During these arguments it's very, very likely that things are going to be said (by both partners) that cause a lot of pain…some of these things will have been meant and some will just have been said to cause the maximum amount of hurt.

This doesn't mean that the relationship is doomed. It's important to remember that most couples disagree at some point in the relationship. And that being happy doesn't mean that everything has to be perfect all the time.

Once the two of you have cooled down try and talk things through calmly, with the attitude that no one is right or wrong – each of you just has a different opinion on some things. It might also help if you both try and focus on the fact that you love each other and choose to be with each other

You've been criticised by the person you're in love with

It's very easy to feel wounded by a critical comment from someone that we love. It's natural to want them to have a high opinion of us and love hurts when we think that they don't.

But a critical comment doesn't mean that they don't love you. And it often isn't a negative thing – it's a great sign if they want the best for you and your relationship together!

You're worried about the relationship

Sometimes an unresolved issue within the relationship can bring about great insecurity and pain. For example, you might not like something your partner does.

There are two ways to handle this situation – firstly, to ignore it and wait for small things that might seem unrelated to fire off that pain again and again.

Or secondly, to deal with the situation by talking things through with your partner for as long as it takes (which might be over several hours or days or even months) to resolve things.

You're away from each other and missing him or her.

Absence from a loved one is very difficult.

There are various ways to cope with the pain of the separation. These include keeping yourself busy, writing romantic love letters to your partner and focusing on the great happiness you'll feel when you're re-united.

And remember the saying 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'.

You have Unresolved Issues

Sometimes it's not actually love that hurts us but it's the situation we're in or issues we've buried within ourselves that is causing the pain.

When we're in love we're normally very happy. This allows our bodies to relax and let painful issues come up to be healed. This often takes people by surprise and they think love is hurting them.

Recognising that this is happening is a very important step – if you can let go of your issues in a healthy way (maybe with the help of your partner or a therapist), then your love life will be enriched.

So for whatever reason love hurts sometimes, it's really important to remember that these can be dealt with so that you're able to appreciate the happy side of love again.

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