What Is Love?

The question of what is love has preoccupied mankind for thousands of years.

Because love is an emotion, it can sometimes be hard to define precisely. Writers, philosophers, scientists and people of every faith have tried over the centuries to explain exactly what is love.

Some people believe that love is the pre-destined coming together of two souls. Or as Jean Paul said 'pure love cannot merely do all, but it is all.'

Amazingly, these deeply profound statements about what love is, are backed up by science. Studies have shown that brain scans of people in love are similar to those with a mental illness or addiction! Dr. Andrew Newberg, a neuroscientist, thinks that the reason for this is because without love, there would be no humanity.

So this seems to support the theory that people really are pre-destined to love…and that love is everything. Even the Beatles said that all you need is love!

But perhaps a more helpful definition of what is love is that love in its purest form is the selfless, unconditional acceptance of someone exactly as they are - with all their traits and characteristics. This seems to be true whether you come from a spiritual, religious, scientific or psychological perspective.

Many writers have concentrated on romantic love as being an intoxicating mixture of feelings. The 13th century mystic, Rumi, for example wrote many poems that put into words the essence of what is love. One of his poems, The Beloved, sums up everything he believed about what is love.

A lover asked his beloved,
Do you love yourself more than you love me?
Beloved replied, I have died to myself and I live for you.
I've disappeared from myself and my attributes,
I am present only for you.
I've forgotten all my learnings,
But from knowing you I've become a scholar.
I've lost all my strength, but from your power I am able.
I love myself…I love you.
I love you…I love myself.

From a spiritual and philosophical point of view it is believed that to understand love, a person needs first to accept and love him or herself. Only then is it possible to love someone else. This idea of self-love is a popular concept today – many self-help books guide individuals into developing positive feelings about themselves, including 'Learning To Love Yourself' by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse.

These books aim to boost self-esteem and confidence. This is really important for two reasons. Firstly, because love isn't just about giving out your feelings, it's also about being able to receive love back. So basically what it comes down to is that if you love yourself others will love you too.

And secondly, if you can learn how to accept yourself unconditionally then you're well on the way to being able to learn how to accept someone else unconditionally.

You've probably heard the saying 'love is blind'. And yes, it might appear to be blind to outsiders. You've probably got friends who are in a relationship with someone and you just assume that they haven't really seen the person for who they are!

But actually, true love is being able to see the imperfections of your partner and still having affectionate feelings for them. Monroe H. Rosenfeld summed up this aspect of love when he said 'With all her faults I love her still.'

Having said this, though, it's really important to understand that you can love someone deeply…but it doesn't mean that you have to be with them if its not healthy for either of you. Love doesn't mean clinging onto someone through everything. Real love is having feelings for them and being able to let them go if that is what is right.

To use another love quote…'Him that I love, I wish to be free- even from me' - was how Anne Morrow Lindbergh explained it.

So jealousy and possessiveness and neediness are not what is love…whatever some people like to believe. These characteristics are not even signs of love – they're really signs of insecurity.

And the feeling of love shouldn't be dependent on how they feel about you. So you can love someone who doesn't love you (unrequited love). Also love is not dependent on what another person has or hasn't done for you. Love is definitely not tit for tat!

Many psychologists who have studied love believe there are three parts to love – intimacy (being friends with one another and sharing each other's day to day lives), commitment (wanting to be with one another permanently), and passion (the sexual side to relationships). All romantic relationships are supposed to have a mix of these different parts of love.

This emotional aspect of love is also backed up by scientific research. Scientists believe that romantic love is split into three phases – lust (the initial passionate sexual desire), attraction (falling in love with someone) and attachment (long term commitment). Studies show that each phase is associated with different hormones including testosterone, pheromones and oxytocin.

Pheromones, for example, give that 'rush of pleasure' feeling – you feel happy with yourself and with your partner. Everything you know about him or her, even their quirky characteristics, seems to be amazing.

So what is love? Perhaps the dictionary sums it up whan it defines love as the 'profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person'.

Return from What Is Love to Love Advice