Why Men Cheat ?

And What to Do About It...

The question about why men cheat has been puzzling women for centuries. Because only some men seem to cheat while others are able to stay faithful.

There are four background reasons to why men cheat.

He is unhappy. Men judge themselves as being successful or not based on how their career is going, their material wealth and how much power they have in the workplace.

If he feels that he's not achieving his career and life goals, then his self-esteem will be low….and he'll be much more likely to cheat as a way of relieving this unhappiness. A lot of men have affairs as part of a mid-life crisis because they suddenly realise their lives aren't going as planned.

Another reason why men cheat is if he feels unappreciated and uncared for by the woman in his life. Men love to feel needed and wanted by their partner. They like a woman's attention and affection and they want to be appreciated without being controlled or bossed around.

Our article on understanding men will give you a lot of insights into how a man's mind and emotions work.

He is sexually unfulfilled. Sex is a big part of a man's life…most women know this but still don't understand how important sex is to a man. So if he's not getting enough sex from a woman, if his sexual fantasies are unfulfilled or if he feels that she's not enjoying their sex together, then he may try to find a way to get his needs met. This is a really big reason why men cheat.

Another reason why men cheat is if they have experiences from their past that mean they can never stay faithful to anyone. Most people know men like this…it doesn't matter how perfect the woman he's with is, he just keeps on cheating. A lot of guys who fall into this category have unresolved issues to do with their family history or cheating by previous girlfriends.

This type of man is usually categorised as a sex addict and he'll need help from trained therapists to overcome his issues. A good place for him to start getting help is at Sex Addicts Anonymous

So these are the background causes of why men cheat. Certain triggers then turn him from being a man who is dissatisfied to a man who cheats. These are as follows:

Temptation Another woman makes it clear that she's interested in him sexually. This doesn't mean that he's been trawling bars. She could be someone that he's met very innocently through work or she could be a friend of his partner.

Opportunity This means that he finds himself in a situation where he's not going to get caught. Maybe he's away on a business trip or his partner is out of town.

Peer Pressure. This is also known as the Boys on Tour Syndrome. A combination of alcohol and a macho atmosphere encourage him to fulfil his desires. Stag nights and men only holidays are good examples of these.

There are no rules about cheating in the relationship If a couple hasn't discussed the definition of cheating in their relationship, he might overstep the line without knowing it.

Because men are able to separate their sexual feelings from their emotional feelings, he might not see flirting, kissing, emailing other women or sex without emotions as cheating…but his partner might.

He might not know how much pain these actions will cause his partner…and what the consequences are for him. If he doesn't realise what will happen if does cheat (for example, the end of the relationship), he'll be much more likely to act on his impulses without thinking.

A man needs a combination of both background issues and triggers to cheat. So a man won't cheat even if he has the opportunity and the temptation if he has no background issues. And a man who is unhappy in some way is not going to cheat without a trigger.

Importantly, though, it takes much less to trigger a man who is a sex addict into cheating than a man who is not a sex addict. In fact, sex addicts usually find the triggers to indulge in their addiction with very little difficulty. And without help from a therapist a sex addict won't be able to stop cheating.

If the man in your life has cheated on you, your first reaction will probably be to feel angry, betrayed and hurt. This is normal and it will take time to heal the wounds.

Then you'll have a choice to make – to continue with the relationship or to end the relationship. There is no right or wrong answer and this is a very personal decision based on you and your partner as individuals.

Seeing a counsellor is very helpful, whether you decide to stay with your partner or not. The American Psychological Center and Therapist Locator are both good ways to find therapists in the USA.

In the UK, Relate and the BACP have lists and advice for finding counsellors.

Or your doctor should be able to recommend suitable therapists in your area.

Talking to friends is fine but they'll always take your side…this is great for relieving your distress but this might not be helpful to you in the long-term.

A good counsellor is non-judgmental, will see the situation from a neutral point of view and will work with you to resolve any emotional issues that have come about because of the cheating.

This is really important because if you and your partner decide to stay together, you'll need to be able to forgive him for his actions. You'll also need to find ways to work on the relationship and set boundaries within the relationship to prevent the cheating from happening again.

And if you decide to end things between you and your partner, you'll need to deal with the issues of his cheating to stop you taking them forward with you into your next relationship.

And remember, not all men cheat…most men stay faithful in their relationships. Understand why men cheat (or why SOME men cheat) and you'll increase your chances of being with a faithful man.

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